Decisions...

I've already got my blog mind rolling but I seem to be at a crossroads. Will I let the little devil that sits upon my right shoulder take control of this thing by cursing profusely and without limit? Spewing all thoughts without any filter?

Probably

but.......

The Sweet Angel that sits on my left (less dominant) shoulder may interact as well. She may sometimes overcome her 'round the neck neighbor. So don't be worried if I tend to be all 'cottony soft' at times.

It will probably be a mixture of both. I am a woman. I have the right to change anything and everything anytime I have the inclination to.

So fuck off if you have a problem with that.

And have a blessed day. :D


Leslie

This is from MySpace when I used to blog there...

It may give a little insight as to what I went through before, during, and after the divorce.... This was about 2 years ago and I'm just returning...WTF? I promise my mind, if not completely sane, is fucking awesome :)



Yall are fixin to see this bitch on Snapped! -Preferred (people who don't know me personally)

I can't live like this anymore. Just hours ago I was asking myself "Why is he being so nice to me?" I have already trained myself not to think "it might not happen again." That is a disillusion I won't allow myself to get caught up in. The good times are not worth the suspense, the waiting, the wondering when. What will set him off next time? Surely not the "YALL DON'T EVER LISTEN TO ME!" scenario again. What I want to know is, why is he telling ME what to do? The abuse is not only emotional anymore it is becoming physical. I have hardened my heart to the point of not being able to feel - all to avoid him breaking it over and over again. Every time he tells me he loves me I automatically think, 'liar'. Maybe I'm the one who is the bi polar psycho. It must be true because I am still with him.

Leaving him will be hard. That's why I have stayed so long this time. Its not like I haven't done it before. I survived and so did the kids. I can't keep telling myself I am staying to protect them. Certainly they can see what a train wreck this relationship is. Honestly I am mostly worried about my 7 year old. The older ones are his and it will do no good to fight for them. He has already ruined them. They are on his side even though they see what they see and hear what they hear. April will grow up to think its ok for a man to treat her the way her dad treated me. Bill left a bad environment with his mom to come deal with this?







It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive
-Bon Jovi


Looks like it has become 'now' instead of 'never' and I couldn't be happier. I filed for divorce recently. It really wasn't a decision I hadn't already made. It was just a matter of WHEN.

WHEN is NOW and I will NEVER be in that situation again.

I find it amazing how one's perception of things can change so quickly. I have always been the type to 'fix' the ones around me. I know that is unhealthy. I'm no doctor and boy did he need one. The only person I need to fix is me. I am not completely broken. I would never let another person do that to me. I have too much faith in God to give up on myself.

I need to learn how to live alone and be happy with what I am, what I've been and all the wonderful things I will become. These rough times are a stepping stone-put here to make me stronger, more patient, more productive, a better listener, a better communicator, a better lover, a better person in the end. I know it will all work out.

I haven't blogged in years it seems. All because one person didn't like it. Well, I'm through with that person and I'm back. I don't know how often or how substantial these will be, but just know, I am a genuine person and I'm not trained in writing or have any particular skills in that area. Comment if you like.

Hopefully Myspace has fixed the hitches that made this so frustrating at times when I was here before. One can hope.

For now, smiles and wagging puppy dog tails. I will be back soon.

Leslie

The End Is Near!

Soooo, I haven't posted anything relevant in what seems like years. I got a divorce, my 9 year old daughter and I moved in with my mother and her beau. I started my lucrative job as a daycare teacher, met an awesome guy and began my college experience, all at the age of 33. Fun times. Please forgive any punctuation mistakes because English 1301 made me cry and I just don't care. Finals are all up in my nether regions and I would like to express how much I despise learning dumb shit. Math sucks. English sucks. History sucks. Biology sucks. Government sucks. Psychology was pretty cool. Did I mention MATH SUCKS?

On May 10th at approximately 5pm I will have completed my first year of higher education. This will be a cause for great celebration. I am on the fence in deciding whether I will take any summer courses. My sensible side says YES. My lazy ass, very much over textbooks and idiotic professors say TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. I work a full time job, and have a kid. My mental capacity (and desire for beer thirty to be ASAP) can only handle so much.
Let it be known that my kid will be away for most of the summer, with her father or visiting relatives in sunny California AND I may have a work schedule that puts me waking up at 10 am instead of 5 am. HALALULA!! (I know I spelled that wrong, but it's the way my little spoiled brat-angel face says it)

A new friend of mine says start off short and sweet. So I should end it here.

If anyone knows of any daycare related blogs please link me to them... I'm not sure what I will be getting into with this. It will require serious aninimity? no. anonumusness? no. Uhhh... my spell check sucks. Anonymity. Thanks Nick :)

coffeypot: Helpful Hints - From A Straight Guy

coffeypot: Helpful Hints - From A Straight Guy

I Was Molested

We decided in court that I was to be at his house to pick up my belongings. It didn't work out that way because of course I woke up late so I called him and asked if I could just drop Savannah off and then come back after work and get the stuff. I only work 2 hours on Saturdays. He said that was fine. By the time I pulled up to his house I had one of those headaches. I don't know what's going on there. I had eaten lunch at work so maybe my wisdom teeth were kicking my ass for being disturbed. The last time I was at his house I had one too. Maybe its just the fact I knew I had to go there.

Well this headache was so bad that i had to sit in my car for about 15 minutes before I could even walk. Jimmy came to the window concerned and I told him what was going on and to just give me a minute. I finally got out and sat down with everyone on the front porch. The headache was slightly improved but still strong. I talked with my step son and daughter about school and what not. Jimmy and I had casual conversation as well. After about 30 minutes I felt like I could stand up with out passing out so I got up and went into the garage where most of my stuff was. Jimmy followed me and we started going through boxes together. The boxes I was taking were stacked and I was starting to go into the house.

As I was opening the door he comes up behind me and embraces me in a very sexual manner and is grabbing my boobs and ass. I tell him STOP and try to wrench away. I don't want to yell or anything because the kids are there. I eventually get him off of me and go inside to get the the stuff from in there. I notice he got a new comforter, 'bed in a bag' type thing so I ask if I can have the other one. He says "Only if we get to use it one more time." I just roll my eyes and go back outside to start putting things in my car. On one of the trips he stops me and says just let me kiss you one more time. I of course say no. If you want to remain friends thats fine but FRIENDS means FRIENDS. Nothing more.

I tell all the kids bye and that I love them and they can call me anytime. Jimmy follows me to my car and when I sit down and buckle up he reaches down and grabs me "Just give me one kiss, I love you I need you, take all the time you need." Blah blah blah. He physically pins my arms and turns my face to kiss me. I just start crying and tell him to get the hell off me. When he backs off I turn and see April on the front porch watching the whole thing.
I shut and lock my door, gather myself and drive off.

I realize I probably could have had him put in jail for that. But I think of the step kids. I am tearing up right now because I know he is finally seeing what he is loosing. It's too little too late. I fell out of love with him the first time he called me a useless piece of shit. And that was years ago.

What a Sweeeet Heaaaart! *Posted elsewhere September 4th 2009

To: Le BITCH Prewitt


This is what my future ex husband has programmed in his blackberry. He sends me emails trying to be nice. Do you think he knows I can see it? LOL

Court Day *Posted elsewhere September 3rd 2009

Well all the anxiety I had about "The big day" was for nothing. Thank You Sweet Baby Jesus!

My lawyer called about 9 am so we could get on the 'same page'. She obviously noticed my anxiety level. I told her I had never even driven in Downtown Dallas, much less knew where to park or what door to go into etc. So she asks me "Where are you now?" Turns out her house is like 5, minutes from where I work so she told me just to meet her there and she would drive and we could talk more on the way. BIG blessing. Thank you God!!

We get there and she starts explaining to me how things are going to work. We are first on the docket. In a lull in conversation I tell her I'm going to go find the ladies room before all this gets started. On the way back down the hall I spot him and he looks so confused. "Which room are we supposed to be in?" he asks me. I lead the way.

My future ex, we will call him Jimmy, because that is his name, lol, showed up without a lawyer. This could be considered good or bad. Good, because Me, my lawyer and Jimmy sat down to mediate.( In case you don't know, that's just coming to agreements without having to go to trail) He didn't want to fight me on anything. Custody mine? Ok. Pay child support? Fine. Let me get the rest of my stuff from his house? Sure. Split the accumulated medical bills on our daughter? I guess. Except...

Good parts...

Right before I left he and his dad decided to put my car in the shop to get the transmission fixed. I had no part in that but I was thankful. Jimmy's dad paid for the new transmission. That was about $900. So he brings that up. "I still owe my dad for the transmission repair." I come back with "I still owe my boss about $900 to pay the damn thing off because you were going to let it go back and leave me car less." Equals us even, right?

He also brought up the stupid iPod, and actually said to my lawyer, "I have given her everything she wants. That is the only thing she has that I want. " I say "I will give you the iPod if you replace my phone you threw at me and broke." He says he can't afford it. Well debt paid off then right? I buy my own new phone and keep the Ipod as repayment. Makes sense right? He says ok in the end.

Bad part...

He doesn't owe $5000 in attorney fees. It's like he walked in there without a lawyer but got to use mine for free! That kinda ticks me off. I wonder if I can make him pay half the court costs even thought I started this whole thing.

3 more months of anxiety. yay me. I never know when he will snap.


An aside for those who are following. I didn't get a that bad of a headache/migraine yesterday when I took my anti anxiety/depression meds at lunchtime. I'm going to try taking it tonight at bed time. Wish me luck.

Love to all for reading , and don't forget to leave a comment. Your input keeps me going :) Love Leslie