Friday, May 6, 2011

This is from MySpace when I used to blog there...

It may give a little insight as to what I went through before, during, and after the divorce.... This was about 2 years ago and I'm just returning...WTF? I promise my mind, if not completely sane, is fucking awesome :)

Yall are fixin to see this bitch on Snapped! -Preferred (people who don't know me personally)

I can't live like this anymore. Just hours ago I was asking myself "Why is he being so nice to me?" I have already trained myself not to think "it might not happen again." That is a disillusion I won't allow myself to get caught up in. The good times are not worth the suspense, the waiting, the wondering when. What will set him off next time? Surely not the "YALL DON'T EVER LISTEN TO ME!" scenario again. What I want to know is, why is he telling ME what to do? The abuse is not only emotional anymore it is becoming physical. I have hardened my heart to the point of not being able to feel - all to avoid him breaking it over and over again. Every time he tells me he loves me I automatically think, 'liar'. Maybe I'm the one who is the bi polar psycho. It must be true because I am still with him.

Leaving him will be hard. That's why I have stayed so long this time. Its not like I haven't done it before. I survived and so did the kids. I can't keep telling myself I am staying to protect them. Certainly they can see what a train wreck this relationship is. Honestly I am mostly worried about my 7 year old. The older ones are his and it will do no good to fight for them. He has already ruined them. They are on his side even though they see what they see and hear what they hear. April will grow up to think its ok for a man to treat her the way her dad treated me. Bill left a bad environment with his mom to come deal with this?

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive
-Bon Jovi

Looks like it has become 'now' instead of 'never' and I couldn't be happier. I filed for divorce recently. It really wasn't a decision I hadn't already made. It was just a matter of WHEN.

WHEN is NOW and I will NEVER be in that situation again.

I find it amazing how one's perception of things can change so quickly. I have always been the type to 'fix' the ones around me. I know that is unhealthy. I'm no doctor and boy did he need one. The only person I need to fix is me. I am not completely broken. I would never let another person do that to me. I have too much faith in God to give up on myself.

I need to learn how to live alone and be happy with what I am, what I've been and all the wonderful things I will become. These rough times are a stepping stone-put here to make me stronger, more patient, more productive, a better listener, a better communicator, a better lover, a better person in the end. I know it will all work out.

I haven't blogged in years it seems. All because one person didn't like it. Well, I'm through with that person and I'm back. I don't know how often or how substantial these will be, but just know, I am a genuine person and I'm not trained in writing or have any particular skills in that area. Comment if you like.

Hopefully Myspace has fixed the hitches that made this so frustrating at times when I was here before. One can hope.

For now, smiles and wagging puppy dog tails. I will be back soon.



The Restaurant Manager said...

You sound like a very brave person! 8)

Leslie Michelle said...

Thanks :) Bravery and me.... That comment could lead to a new blog. I will try to figure out how to link you...not that you need it. <3